When You Think Your Marriage is Over, 
Give It One More Year
By: Mort Fertel

One of the questions I'm frequently asked is, "How do you know when it's time to give up on your marriage?"

If you’re considering divorce, I suggest first trying to make it work for at least one more year.

Did you hear that?

Try for at least one more year!

And I mean REALLY try. You can always call it quits. You always have that option. But once you pull that trigger, it's over. No more chances. Your life will never be the same. Do you have kids? Their lives will never be the same.

If you end your marriage, you don't want to have a shred of doubt about what might have been. You don't ever want to look back and wonder if things could have been different. You don't want to ask yourself, “What if this? What if I tried that?”

If you have to end your marriage, you want to know DEEP IN YOUR HEART that you did everything you could to make it work.

Giving it one year of serious effort will also help you to move on with your life and into another relationship with a clear head, should you ultimately divorce. You want to come to a place of healthy closure. That is crucial!  In my experience, the best way to do that is to work at your marriage for at least one additional year. I know it probably seems like a long time, but it's an investment in the rest of your life.

Here's the key point: It's a good investment for the rest of your life whether your marriage succeeds or not. Obviously, it's a good investment if you turn your marriage around. But if you don't, it will not have been a wasted year. It will have been the most important thing you could have done with that year because of the impact on the rest of your life and (if it comes to this) your next relationship.

I have seen too many cases of spouses ending their marriages prematurely, and as a result, never reaching closure in the relationship. A few years later, they find themselves in the same situation with someone else.

Sometimes the progress individuals make in relationship counseling turns out to be more beneficial for them in their next relationship than in their current one.

I remember an instance when a man’s marriage ended in the middle of a seven-week marriage boot camp. The individual asked whether he should continue with the final weeks of the program. I said, "Absolutely."

He responded, "Why? What's the point? My marriage is over."

"You're not doing it for this marriage," I explained. "You're doing it for the benefit of your next one."

Now don't get me wrong; your intention for working on your marriage shouldn’t be simply to benefit your life after marriage. You need to be intent on restoring your current relationship.

But if you fail, your effort will not have been for naught.

Bottom line is this. If you're asking, "When is it time to call it quits?"

The answer is: one year after you think you're done. If after one more year of trying everything in your power to make your marriage work you're still miserable, then you should consider moving on. Until then, hang in there and don't give up.

This topic reminds me of my situation many years ago. I remember learning late one night that my wife had an appointment with a divorce attorney the next morning. We were hours from "done." Who would have thought that we could turn things around at that point?

We did, of course.

It's never too late! In fact (and here's real food for thought), very often the turning point in a marriage is when a couple hits rock bottom. Sometimes it's not until things couldn't get worse that they can get better.

About Mort Fertel

Mort Fertel is a world authority on the psychology of relationships. He has been featured as an expert on ABC, NBC, CBS, PBS and Fox television networks, as well as dozens of publications including Glamour Magazine and Family Circle, to discuss his Marriage Fitness System. His program is endorsed by a wide variety of mental-health professionals, and he has helped save thousands of marriages. Fertel graduated from the University of Pennsylvania, was the CEO of an international nonprofit organization, and is a former marathon runner. He lives with his wife and five children (including triplets!) in Baltimore, MD.

3 Tips to Lower Your Veterinary Bill
New Tax Adds to Already Growing Costs

Pet owners’ vet bills are growing, which may explain why fewer are taking their dogs and cats to the animal doctor although more Americans than ever have pets.

To make matters worse, a 2.3 percent tax on medical devices that kicked in Jan. 1 includes equipment that’s used for animals as well as people. Items as basic as IV pumps and scalpels are now subject to the tax, which is to help fund the Affordable Care Act.

“Even before the tax, the latest survey showed spending for dog care alone rose 18.6 percent from 2006 to 2012. And even though cat vet visits dropped 4 percent in that time, cat owners paid 4 percent more,” says Dr. Rod Block, citing the 2012 U.S. Pet Ownership and Demographic Sourcebook, a survey of more than 50,000 households.

“Add to that the new excise tax and I’m sure we’re going to see even more people torn between paying the light bill and taking their pet to the vet,” says Block, a board-certified animal chiropractor and author of  “Like Chiropractic for Elephants,” (www.drrodblock.com). But there are simple ways to keep veterinary costs down, while still providing excellent care for your pet – whether it’s a dog, cat, horse or guinea pig, Block says.

“It’s important to always get appropriate care when your animal needs it, but you can easily prevent problems, or catch them early, by simply staying in tune with your pet’s physical, emotional and spiritual needs,” he says.

He offers these tips for accomplishing that, and distress signals to watch for:

• Is your pet in pain?: Before X-rays and MRIs, health practitioners relied on these physical indications of pain: heat, redness, lumps or swelling, tremors, obvious discomfort. To recognize the first four, a pat on the head is not enough. Get used to taking some quiet time to place your hands on your pet, and work on honing your perceptive abilities. Being in a rush or having your mind on what you need to do next will impede your ability to perceive changes – use the time to simply be with your animal. If a joint feels warm, it may be inflamed. Mild localized tremors can indicate a problem in the area beneath your hand. Lumps or an asymmetrical feel when you have your hands on either side of the pet may indicate growths. “Take your time and quiet your mind. Animals are keenly aware of intent, and they’ll work with you if feel your intent,” Block says.

• Watch how your pet plays: It’s important that a pet gets physical and psychological stimulation, but those needs vary with temperament, age, and even how energetic the pet owner is. “Pets tend to match their owners’ energy levels, for instance, very elderly owners will tend to have pets that like to nuzzle and curl up next to them,” Block says. Take note of how your pet plays so you’ll be aware of changes. Is he becoming more aggressive? He may be telling you something’s bothering him. Has she stopped hopping up on the couch? Is he favoring a paw (or hoof?) Beyond the physical, your pet’s play can also communicate emotional distress. For instance, if he becomes fearful or timid, consider any changes in the home, routines, etc., that may be affecting him.

• Have a thorough neuro-muscular-skeletal exam done. A veterinary chiropractor can examine a pet’s frame, muscles and nerves for areas that may be pre-disposed to injury, and suggest ways you can help protect them. In dogs, cats and horses, joint injuries are common, with muscle and tendon strains and tears. Problems with the spine can lead to compressed or herniated discs, and neck issues can lead to mobility problems and even seizures. If you know your pet’s vulnerabilities, you can take steps to prevent injuries.

“If you decide to take your pet to a chiropractor, make sure he or she is certified by the American Veterinary Chiropractic Association,” says Block, who’s been treating people for 43 years and animals for 16.

“Find one who is in tune with animals – a host of technical skills does not compensate if the practitioner is not in tune with his patients.”

Like Chiropractic For Elephants

About Dr. Rod Block

Dr. Rod Block serves as a chiropractic consultant to numerous veterinary practices in Southern California and is an international lecturer on animal chiropractic. He is board certified in animal chiropractic by the American Veterinary Chiropractic Association, is a member of the International Association of Elephant Managers and serves as an equine chiropractic consultant to Cal Poly Pomona. Dr. Block is the equine chiropractor for the Los Angeles Police Department’s Mounted Police Unit, a lecturer at Western State University College of Veterinary Medicine and a lecturer at University of California Irvine (Pre-Veterinary Program). He completed his undergraduate studies at UCLA and later received his Doctorate in Chiropractic.

Struggling to Transform Your Business 
to Survive and Thrive?
5 Tips to Lead Change in Challenging Times

Putting the right people at the helm has launched many high-profile, highly successful turnarounds, from Jack Welch in his early days at GE to Meg Whitman at eBay.

But companies don’t have to fire the entire C-suite to put “new” leadership in place, says Barbara Trautlein, author of “Change Intelligence: Use the Power of CQ to Lead Change that Sticks” (www.changecatalysts.com).

 
“Leadership is the key to successful major organizational change, which has had a failure rate of 70 percent decades,” she says.  “It IS possible to lead successful and sustainable change - IF it's led effectively.  The problem has been that, so often, it’s not.” 

Workforces in every industry -- from manufacturing to service to health care to high tech -- are confused and bruised, she says.  Employees in this economy thirst for guidance but are distrustful and disenfranchised -- not engaged, empowered, or equipped to do what is needed to help their organizations transform to survive and thrive. 

The solution? Those who lead change must first change themselves.

Trautlein shares five simple but effective ways to accomplish that: 

• Change Your Story - Reframe resistance. Resistance in organizations is like the immune system in the body; it protects against harmful invaders from the outside. Just like pain in the body is a symptom something is wrong, so resistance is a sign to which managers should pay attention. The goal is not to eradicate it, but to allow it to surface, so it can be explored and honored.  To lead more effectively, learn to see resistance as your ally, not your enemy. 

• Change Your Stance - Picture a triangle. So often, we view ourselves on one angle, others at another angle, and "the problem" on the third angle. In our minds, it feels like it's us against the other people as well as the problem. That's exhausting. Instead, re-envision yourself and the other people working together to solve the problem. Move from being and feeling and acting against others, or doing something to others, or even in spite of others, to working with and even for them.  If you can make this simple mindset shift, how you relate to others will almost immediately become palpably partnership-oriented to them. 

• Change Your Seat - What you see depends on where you sit.  Change looks very different at different levels of the organizational hierarchy. Those at the top are typically isolated. Those at the bottom are most resistant. Those in the middle are squeezed. Sit in others' seats and appreciate their pressures. Adapt your approach and messages to the very different needs and concerns of these very different audiences.

• Change Your Style - We all know the Golden Rule:  Do unto others as you would want them to do unto you. To lead change effectively, follow the Platinum Rule:  Do unto others as THEY want to be done unto. Tell stories they can relate to. Share statistics relevant to them. Demonstrate what's in it for all of us to work together in new ways. 

• Change Your Strategy - So often, what looks like resistance is really that people don't get it, don't want it, or they are unable to do it.  Engage the brain by explaining the "why" and "what" of the change -- help the "head" understand your vision, mission, and goals. Paint a clear picture of the target and the end game. Inspire the "heart" to care about the change objectives by engaging with others, actively listening, dealing with fears and insecurities, and building trust.  Help the "hands" apply the change -- provide tactics, training and tools, and eliminate barriers standing in people's way. 

The good news: None of these prescriptions require leaders to change who they are.

“They are all about shifts in mindsets and behaviors.  It's about the flexibility to adapt our leadership approach to get us all where we need to go,” Trautlein says. It's amazing how when we change, others change.

“It's been said before -- because it's true: Be the change you wish to see in the world. That's leadership.” 

About Barbara Trautlein, PhD.

Barbara Trautlein is a change leadership consultant, author, international speaker and researcher with more than 25 years of experience partnering with organizations to lead change that sticks. She helps all levels of leaders in achieving their personal and professional goals, from Fortune 50 companies to small- and mid-sized businesses, in industries ranging from steel mills to sales teams, refineries to retail, and healthcare to high tech. Trautlein earned her PhD in organizational psychology from the University of Michigan.